theres a lot of things i wish i could write. stories i wish i could tell, opinions i wish were out on the table, memories i wish were more solid. ideas, concepts, thoughts, rants….lots of things. but…i dont. i just dont. sometimes i just dont know what to say or how to say it. other times im trying to protect someone, knowing the consequences of putting someone elses story out in plain view can be much larger than i ever want to deal with. occasionally i simply dont have the motivation to write, so i just dont. this is an overwhelming theme in my life right now.

im disappointed in myself these days.

i feel like ive abandoned the person i always wanted to be. ive stopped feeding a dream, left it behind to starve and die, while i pursue a reality i do not like, but one i feel compelled to complacently accept.

this isnt what i expect from me.

its not my life im really disappointed in; its my attitudes and actions or lack thereof that concern me. i work in corporate america, doing something that really makes no difference, solidifying my position in society as a statistic and nothing more – all things i wanted so desperately to avoid when i came out of college – but i do them anyway. this wasnt my first choice, it was my backup plan. and considering how many friends i have from college who graduated with me in 2004 and are still unemployed or are employed but doing something they could have done without a degree, im glad i had the backup plan. but…

i dont know what to do from here. dont know where i want to go. what i want to do. where i belong. and – the problem – i dont know how much i care anymore. whats the point? should i accept my ‘safe’ life as the proper one and move on, or should i give up security in favor of….of what? i dont know.

im claiming a slump. some people get writers block. i think i just got life block.

this is what happens when the expectations you set for yourself and your life are so high that they bypass the realm of unrealistic and skyrocket straight into laughably absurd.

but….this is me. this is what i have come to know. i just dont know if thats ok or not yet.

in keeping with my new minimalism attitude, i have, since the purchase of the house, been keeping an almost completely empty bank account. no money, no clutter, right? but after a while, that gets annoying, like when you want to eat and stuff. so i got a roommate last week. its an interesting situation. i take no issue with roommates. with the exception of a few months of my life here and there, i have never lived alone or even had a bathroom to myself, so its not difficult for me to adjust to the situation. however, this roommate happens to be much older than me and also does not speak english. well…not well at least. shes from slovakia and shes here on a research grant for hopkins until december. normally, she doesnt bother me, because shes rarely home when i am and im rarely home when she is. but this morning, she is an annoyance. mainly because i cant figure out her schedule. sometimes she gets up at 6:10 to shower. other times 7:15. This morning, 6:45. ive been trying to get up earlier, so that we dont clash on bathroom time, but its difficult for me to know when i need to be up and out of the bathroom by when she varies her schedule. ive tried talking to her about this, but see previous mention of not speaking a lot of english. so now, its 7:25, i have been up for over an hour. i managed to get a shower in and pack a lunch and drink a protein shake and clean up a bit….and im still waiting to simply brush my teeth so i can leave. but…shes in the bathroom drying her hair, which apparently takes 35 to 40 minutes. so…here i am….blogging….waiting to brush my teeth. happy friday everyone.

i have recently begun to find interest in the concept of minimalism. the idea intrigues me. one thing i have always sought but never really found is inner peace. clarity of the mind and soul. there is too much background noise in my life. there are a few moments in my life where i felt that i had found some sort of clarity – moments where i felt like everything made sense and i was completely content to just exist. but those moments are rare and brief. minimalism seeks to bring outer peace. it removes all the crap, allowing the important things to really stand out.

i was responding to a friends message on myspace earlier and it got me thinking about my undergrad degree. why exactly did i choose writing and english lit majors? it wasnt because i wanted to go into a career in either of those fields, i knew that i didnt. so why then would i choose those majors? i think the answer is because i equated language with power and power with control. i was in a place in my life where i felt completely helpless. i had no control over any aspect of my life, i was just a passenger on someone elses train. i think in my head i believed that if i could learn to really use language – really begin to understand how it worked and how to control it – that i could learn to express myself so perfectly that i would begin to make sense even to myself. to me, controlling words was controlling the world around me. or, more accurately, controlling words was creating the world around me. once you write something down, it becomes real. in your head, it isnt anything. a thought, a notion, a feeling…they have no body and without a body they have no life. but once you write them down, they become something. and giving those thoughts life, was like creating a new world for myself, a place where i had control over what happened and what didnt. and that little aspect of me has changed the entire course of my life.

of course, it doesnt work. there are a ton of things that give you the illusion of control, but they are just that – illusions. the reality is that nothing has changed…except your view. and that brings me back to minimalism.

in college, whenever i had a huge assignment due there was one thing you could be absolutely sure of—my dorm room would be spotless. when im stressed out, i clean. if the world around me is chaotic, i feel chaotic inside. i absolutely cannot concentrate in a messy area. some call this OCDP, some call it ridiculous, but i dont really care whether its a quirk or a disorder, its simply fact for me – physical clutter is emotional clutter.

i realized recently that in order to find peace and clarity i need to eliminate all those things that cause background noise. i need to simplify. this is not only physically, but emotionally as well. i desire peace but i dont seek it? this is fundamentally wrong. it makes no sense. so essentially im renewing a commitment to myself – to seek the things that will bring me happiness and give me a sense of fulfillment. and im starting by cleaning out all the things in my life that do not bring me any closer to this goal. minimalism, while it has come to describe a lot of different lifestyles and ideas now, is at its core simply about removing the unnecessary. and thats what i want to do. it just..makes sense. thoughts?

i didnt upgrade my wordpress. i started to, realized what a huge undertaking it was, got a comment from will that made me think my fear of upgrading was not entirely unjustified, and then freaked out and rolled back.

oh well. maybe i’ll try again soon.

i have a new roommate moving in next week, so probably no time before then as im not entirely done with all the work on the house. currently my new stove is sitting in the middle of the dining room waiting on me to call a plumber to have it installed. it is of course dangerous to install a gas stove on your own. i was going to attempt it anyway, because im stubborn (cheap) like that, but then i discovered that, in order to get the new stove in and the old one out, i have to have a radiator removed. and at that…i decided i should just have a plumber come and install it. hopefully i will get this done BEFORE the new roommate moves in.

possibly not though.