i spent a summer in italy once. i lived in a small farm town in the marche region and every morning i awoke to the sound of church bells outside my window. they would toll every 15 minutes, starting at 6am and continuing until sundown. i complained about it at the time, especially on the days i theoretically could have slept in, but now – when i find myself awake before sunrise everyday – i honestly miss the sound of those bells. they always served as a reminder that i wasnt alone; the world is awake, the world is waiting.

i am easily derailed by stress these days. in former years i would have thrived on it, taking on way more than i could handle both physically and emotionally and then struggling to get everything accomplished. perhaps i burned myself out with one too many all-nighters (or all-weekers) in college, or perhaps i have simply reprioritized – i dont know – but i really just cant do it anymore. the “thrill” of it is gone, replaced now by the general hum of weariness and frustration.

the month of february has been awful. plain and simple awful. and it has ended with me going to talk to a real estate agent last week to discuss possibly buying a house since my housing situation has changed very rapidly and without my control. this isnt a stress i wanted to take on yet – my debt is still high, my income still low and my savings account very empty. but now is as good a time as ever i suppose. i mean, im about to get my annual almost-raise, im not taking any classes until summer, im currently not locked into a lease – the timing is right, the financial is just scary – and stressful.

i didnt plan on buying a house until i met someone i really wanted to settle down with. i wanted to be able to share the experience and have something that would be “ours” instead of “mine”. but things dont always work out the way you plan.

to be honest, the scariest part is trying to do it on my own. i hate doing things like this by myself. right now, i feel terribly alone in my life. i have so many people – but i dont really have any of them. the security i have always craved and feared at the same time is starting to seem less and less likely. ive realized that the only person who i can really count on to still be there is me. so…im adjusting to the idea of doing all of this, as well as everything else in my life, alone. im adjusting – slowly.

i leave for south beach on thursday. im spending 6 days in sunny southern florida with two of my favorite women. im going because i need to unwind, destress, and regroup. these are the same reasons i went to italy for a summer years ago, which is what made me think of all those mornings i awoke to tolling bells. i went to italy because things were building up to the point where i couldnt even think, i was crashing quickly and in desperate need of a change – so i ran away. i thought it was cowardly and the worst thing i could do, but it turned out to be exactly what i needed. upon returning i found myself realigned again, with a greater understanding of who i was by myself and who i was in relation to the world around me. i didnt feel so helpless, i didnt feel so alone. essentially i had stopped.

taken a deep breath, caught up my physical self with my mental self, and started again.

this trip isnt a summer in italy, but a few days in south beach will hopefully give me time to relax and think clearly. and – most importantly – spend time with people i actually like being with. i plan to come home feeling refreshed, calm and ready…for whatever stress comes my way in the next few months.

wish me luck.