and what have you done?
another year over
and a new one just begun…
i started 2006 the same way i start every year, with these grandiose ideas of self-improvement. the concept of a “new year” creates the illusion of a fresh start– a blank slate– where every moment from the last 365 days magically erases at midnight on january 1 as we watch a lit up crystal globe drop in times square while throngs of crazy people freeze their asses off and prove that being able to count backwards from 10 is not an effective test of sobriety.
im not a news years resolution type of person. january 1 does not prompt me to set any more unrealistic goals that i have no intention of reaching than i already have. i always want to lose weight, eat better, go to the gym more, give up caffiene and catch up with old friends. and on january 1 i feel the same motivation that i have every other day of the year, which is essentially none.
but what january 1 does do is remind me of all the goals i keep in the back of my mind, all the dreams and desires that take a back seat to responsibility, and all the good intentions i have for myself but never follow through with. it reminds me of the person i always wanted to be, but keep putting off becoming.
mostly, it does this through television ads and annoying MSN articles on how to improve your love life/sex drive/marriage/diet/body image/bathroom lighting/workout schedule/401k savings plan/banana nut bread recipe/etc.
2006 did not turn out the way i had thought it would, but im ok with that; the unexpected is always to be expected. i did lose weight this year, i did go to the gym more, i did eat healthier and i did catch up with old friends…..for a total of say 2 weeks out of the whole year. but 2 weeks is better than nothing!
and i have to be honest with you, i am today a much better person (and a much happier person) than i was 365 days ago.
it is always a journey. it feels like i am not doing anything i want to do, but in reality all im doing is dreaming faster than i am acting. i am falling behind my own expectations because every time i get close to meeting my own expectations, i make new, loftier expectations.
i accomplished a lot this year. yes, a lot of bad shit happened to me this year, and there were some tough situations i had to deal with, some of which are still ongoing. i did not become some incredibly bigger and better person…but i did not stop moving. i did not give up. i faithfully continued my journey toward becoming the person i am meant to be. and…thats really all i should expect from myself. and i should be proud of it.
am i? sometimes. depends on the day. i try to be.
this year i got out of one of the most pathetic relationships i have ever been in, i took a vacation to a sunny warm location, i went to the gym regularly (for a while), i actually made progress toward my degree, i paid off a student loan, i moved without renting a truck, i learned millions of new things, i saw some awesome plays and went to some great concerts, i made efforts to be closer to my family and see my friends more, i got involved in my life again, and i fell in love with an incredible, beautiful woman. i accomplished a million things, i had a great year. and…
when the clock strikes midnight less than a month from now?
i wont need it.
i dont want to start over, i dont want a blank slate. i want to keep it all, the good and the bad, and just keep going from here…
