grouk(v): to become gradually enlivened after waking up

i consider grouking to be a slow and painful process, much like the removal of a large, sharp splinter from the eyeball, or the waxing of ones ass-crack.

it was supposed to be cold and rainy today. i checked the weather last night, they said cold and rainy today. i even checked the weather again this morning before i left my house and, yep, cold and rainy was the forecast. so i ask you, why then is it warm and sunny? its BEAUTIFUL outside.

a new addition to my evil plan to take over the world. i am going to become….a weatherman!! (weatherwoman just doesnt have the right ring to it, i dont know why, could be too many w’s)

thats right. i want to be a meteorologist. why you ask? because they can be inconsistent and inaccurate almost 99% of the time and still be considered to be doing their job well. this career would also afford me the luxary of saving my brain power up to use on more important things, like coming up with my one good idea!

see. it works out perfectly.

also, it would serve as the perfect cover-up for my secret studies on time-travel. no one would question why a meteorologist has a giant 12 foot satallite dish, small observation tower with built in radar and gps systems and swimming pool filled with lobsters with opposable thumbs….

ok…maybe the lobsters. but those can be overlooked.

my day will come people, oh yes, my day will come…

i have not seen my roommate in 3 days. i know he is still alive though because there were dishes in the sink and mail had been moved from the table. this is what happens when a single man suddenly becomes attached….

azygophrenia (n): a neurotic condition brought on by living a lonely single life

my roommate is now in the recovery phase.

todays word:

aristophren (n) : a person with a superior intellect

yeah…thats totally me…

Tenebrae factae sunt, dum crucifixissent Jesus Judaei

for some reason, it always seems to rain on good friday. i suppose its only fitting that it should rain on the day when jesus is said to have died. rain is used to symbolize death and sadness for a reason—it has a quieting effect, bringing stillness to an otherwise busy world. my great-grandmother used to tell me that if it rained the day of your funeral, it meant you had been a good person, because the rain meant the angels were weeping for you.

easter always makes me think of my her. growing up, it was a family tradition that the whole family would come together at my great-grandmothers house in taneytown for easter sunday. everyone would crowd around the table to enjoy a huge easter dinner (if you can really consider a 1pm meal dinner), which she had cooked almost entirely by herself, and then later on there would be an easter-egg hunt for all the kids in the family. this was, of course, the thing i looked forward to the most, because it was fun and because my great-grandmother liked to increase the incentive a little by filling the eggs with money. the easy ones – pennies, but the more well hidden eggs contained the more coveted coins. (even as a small child, my priorities were obvious).

et circa horam nonam exclamavit Jesus voce magna
Deus meus, ut quid me dereliquisti?
Et inclinato capite, emisit spiritum.

she died when i was 17. it was not unexpected, but a sad loss nontheless. her wake and funeral were both the same day, a short service – no big deal – which was probably her request. friends and family got up to share a few stories, recount some memories together and comfort one another. as i sat between my parents and listened to the speakers, i found it discomforting to realize that i knew so very little about someone who i had known and loved my entire life. i learned more about my great-grandmother at her wake than i had ever learned during her life—her favorite song, how she would give sermons in church when my great-grandfather, who had been the pastor, was ill or out of town, how she helped her friends in any way she could without ever asking for anything in return—all these stories which said so much about who she had been and the life she had led. i began to wonder how it was that i had never thought to ask her anything about herself or her past. suddenly she was a stranger to me, and it was my own fault for never making the effort to get to know her, and it was too late now to correct that mistake.

too often we forget how fragile and fleeting life really is.

Exclamans Jesus voce magna ait: Pater, in manus tuas commendo spiritum meum.
Et inclinato capite, emisit spiritum.

Later that same day, there was silence and prayers and the laying of roses, and tears. And, as I watched them lower my great-grandmothers casket into the ground, the clouds rolled in thick from the west, and it started to rain.

**

Tenebrae factae sunt – English Translation

so…first there was that kid who sold all those “pixels” on his website for advertising and made a crap-load of money, then there was that guy with the one red paper clip, and the guy who asked everyone to just give him one dollar, and the kid who threatened to eat his bunny if people didnt pay him not too, and so on and so on.

theres a ton of people out there who come up with one good idea that, while it may not make them rich, ships a ton of money their way for a short period of time. and really they dont have to do much to get it, just come up with that one good idea. and i cant help but think that im missing out on something big here. i mean, i could make a million! if i could just come up with my one good idea….

ay, but theres the rub! i dont have the goddamn time to come up with my one good idea! i have this full-time job at evilCo, and for some reason they actually expect me to do work there. they even blocked myspace to help me along with the work thing. bastards. and then there is the school thing. they havent blocked myspace yet, but it still takes up a good amount of my time anyway. and then theres the homework , adult-like responsibilities, a very demanding cat, eating, sleeping, and even some semblance of a social life. these things all take time. as a result, i have yet to come up with my one good idea.

but class ends soon. and eating and sleeping could be sacrificed. and who needs friends anyway right? and dating—totally overrated. so soon….very soon…i will have “free time” on my hands. and OH WATCH OUT PEOPLE, because once i have free time, i will be able to sit down and think of my one good idea. and that – is the first step in my secret evil plan to take over the world (MWAAHHHAHA)

step 1. convince a ton of people to give you money for no really good reason.

i will not tell you the rest of the steps yet, as it is a secret evil plan to take over the world. you will find out soon enough, dont you worry. and then you will call me dungeon master! wait…no….thats….geeky. well….no matter what you call me because MWAAHHHAHA…..the world will be mine anyway!!

ok….so there is the possibility that i wont come up with a good idea to raise money to help me take over the world. or that people will just laugh at me (its ok, everyone does). so i also have a secret evil back-up plan! it involves sharks with laser beams on the heads…..

and me….updating my resume tonight…

azygophrenia: a neurotic condition brought on by living a lonely single life

yeah…see also “sexually frustrated” for further description of this condition…

after my little flash fiction writing exercise yesterday, i got into a conversation with my friend j who asked me why i would write fiction if i hate it so much (hate writing it, not reading it).

the answer is simple: i write because i like it. not because im excessively good at it (because im not) or because it makes me money (ive never earned a dime off writing) or even because i feel like i have to use the degree i paid way too much money for (im not that concerned honestly). and in writing for pleasure, it becomes too easy to slack off, because you have no one else there to push you or challenge you. in school i had professors there to push me, to give me assignments, some of which i loved and some of which i hated, but all of which i benefitted from in some way both as a writer and as a student.

now though…theres no one to tell me what to write or to challenge me to try something new. so i have to do it to myself, because writing is language and language is one of those things – you either use it or lose it.

and also, ive found when i give myself little assignments, its often just the jumpstart i need to get over a writers block hump. which i run into ALL the time, especially since laziness is like a day job for me.

so yes, why write fiction if i hate it? because my skills could use the exercise. and because im bad at it. and being bad at something means i can only get better.

**
with the windows rolled all the way down and the stereo turned all the way up, i speed dangerously up the road past the old resevoir, hugging the turns tightly, fueling the adrenaline rush with every curve. the cool night air rushes in, whips our hair into our faces and raises goosebumps on my arms. there are no other cars on the road, no houses or businesses nearby, no streetlights, nothing – just us- and when i turn out the headlights we are instantly plunged into the thick darkness of the night. A faint glimmer of moonlight dances gently across the water and casts shadows on the road before us. startled, she jumps and grabs my arm.

“..but you cant see anything!” She yells —so that I can hear her over the stereo.

“no, its ok, in a moment our eyes will adjust and the moonlight will be enough..”

i can feel by the tightness of her grip that shes scared, but she doesnt argue with me. i flash her a big grin and chuckle – her grip relaxes – she trusts me. i slow the car down only slightly as i reach over and place my own hand on her leg, resting my palm on the hem of her lowride denim shorts. i rub my thumb in casual circles on the top of her leg for a short while, then i begin to gently trace the tips of my fingers back and forth over the smooth skin of her inner thighs, inching higher and higher with every pass. i feel her shiver.

“cold?” I ask, glancing over at her, letting my eyes first meet her own, then fall away..

She replies with a coy smile, “no. not at all.”

she reaches over with her right hand begins to trace the tips of her fingers slowly up and down the skin of my inner arm. involuntarily, my grip tightens on her leg, and i hear her laugh. i laugh too, and pull the car over to the side of the road, guiding it carefully off the smooth blacktop onto the grass and under a couple of large silver maples – here i know the car cannot be seen from the road, especially at night. i turn the engine off and look over at her, still smiling. i lean over and kiss her, barely touching my lips to hers at first. i pull back slowly, letting the touch linger, running the tip of my tongue over her bottom lip as i do, and then i kiss her again, this time more firmly, placing my hand gently on the back of her neck and pulling her into me. i feel her lips curl up into a smile beneath my own and it is at that moment that i realize she has won…

**

dreams, whether good or bad, sometimes take the most interesting turns. you never saw it coming…

i was reminded today that i have forgotten to post my words of the day as of late, so….

any word with the suffix -atrix, just rocks…

gubernatrix (n) : a powerful woman in government

so…people like condoleezza rice, gloria arroyo, angela merkel, or even hillary clinton back in the day, but not janet reno, as i am convinced she was a man….